You know when you're alive because you can feel..

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 22:16:08 GMT

http://www.furisdead.com

It's really rather amazing - in a negative way - that in our allegedly more enlightened times things as barbaric as the fur trade are still alive and kicking...

Why would ANYONE want to own such a horrific thing... especially if they know what suffering is caused to create it...

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:49:50 GMT

Andrew and Benjamin - I loves you both very much

It makes me chuckle to realise that those arent technically either of your names!!!

Sorry for the misery lately - normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!!

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:24:27 GMT

So why is it that when t'internet plays up it's always the ONE place that matters the most (ie t'forum) that suffers the worst???

Although sitting crying over a dodgy internet connection is possibly a touch pathetic isnt it...

Why do I get the feeling that I'm losing everything at the moment? Myself, my hope... the people that I love... And no, before you ask (if anyone was going to) I dont know why I feel like that - I dont have any logical reason behind it - but I still cant shake it...

I really hope this is just another passing bout of the unexplained sads and it's gonna leave me soon cause I dont feel strong enough to handle it all right now...

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:32:06 GMT

Cause today obviously hasnt been bad enough yet now t'internet has decided that it wants to run so slow it might as well be steam powered!

I dont know if it's just left over pissed-offness from work today or general life-is-shitness or what but I dont remember feeling quite this low for ages

It's days like this that I really wish I just had someone to hold me for a while... but I dont... and I wont... I should be used to it by now

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 11:49:08 GMT

So far today is not a good day!

Woke up a couple of hours ago with a banging headache which still hasnt gone (yes I DO know that staring at a computer screen wont help - but whatcha gonna do) and the cold which I thought was going seems to have come back with a vengance - I'm sure someone has stuffed my head with soggy cotton wool... feels that way anyhow!

And then - to top of the cheerfulness of this Sunday - my mum's all upset now cause her cockatiel has just died... literally fell off the perch and died while she was stroking it - but you know it was at least 10 years old and it's not a bad way to die is it, having someone there caring about you during your last seconds of life. OK I so wish I hadnt just thought that cause now I've gone and made myself cry! Yes I IZ a nutter!

I think I'm getting a case of those pre-birthday blues... well I am getting another year older next month (where DID that year just go) and it does always make me have that moment of "so what have I done with my life this year... oh yeah - nothing" but at least I always know that I'll enjoy my actual birthday - what with it being beatleweek and everything...

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 22:36:47 GMT

Aww I has a shiny new header... I think I like it... but I might not... they is pretty anyhows!!!

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:06:14 GMT

*Big girly sniffles*

kazmack sent me this and it had me in tears!! ♥

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:01:10 GMT

Part Three in the final story of
The When Series:
When I Need You Most Part One/ Part Two/ Part Three/ Part Four/ Part Five
When I Need You Too Part One/ Part Two/ Part Three/ Part Four
When We Need Each Other Part One/ Part Two/ Part Three/ Part Four/ Part Five/ Part Six

Title:When We Need our Love Part Three(Part One) (Part Two)
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 6987
Summary: A wedding night and a married life... what could possibly go wrong?

“Well done you!”

John Paul smiled as arms snaked around his waist and a chin rested on his shoulder, warm lips pressing softly against his neck.

“Thanks Lin,” John Paul said as he turned in the blonde woman’s embrace to pull her in close and squeeze her tightly.

Reaching up to hold her friend’s face Linda touched her freshly lipsticked mouth against his lips, laughing gently as he grimaced and wiped away the greasy pink mark.

“Careful,” John Paul teased, “My husband can be very jealous you know.”

John Paul’s cheeks flushed at his first use of the word “husband” and a smile that began deep within his soul shone out brightly from his eyes.

“I’m more likely to be jealous that he gets a kiss and I don’t,” Craig laughed as he stole Linda from John Paul’s arms, peppering her face with sloppy kisses until she playfully fought him off.

Linda stepped back to look at her two friends. She had never seen either of them looking so complete, so content or so very much a part of each other. Despite everything that life had thrown at them they had managed to come out of the other side intact, and together. Linda felt as if she had travelled their journey with them. She had been there through their tears and laughter, she had held John Paul in her arms as he wept over the accusations of rape, just as she had held tightly onto Craig’s hand as they both waited for John Paul to come out of surgery when he had been stabbed. There had been times when it seemed as if the world somehow held a grudge against them and wanted nothing more than to cause them pain and heartache.

But, as the early afternoon sun shone down on the couple and the love they shared glowed from their eyes and their smiles Linda knew that the world never stood a chance compared to those two wonderful men.

“What’s that smile for?” John Paul asked, tilting his head to one side with his enquiry.

“Nothing,” Linda replied, her smile growing wider. “It’s just… you two… you look… happy!”

Reaching for his husband’s hand John Paul laced their fingers together as they shared a look that, for a moment, excluded the rest of the world.

“I’ve never been happier,” both men said, almost simultaneously, laughing as they tore their gaze from each other.

“So!” Craig said with a grin. “You recommend this marriage lark then?”

As if on cue and arm slid around Linda’s shoulders and a contentment of her own echoed in her eyes as she looked into Patrick’s face.

“Oh definitely,” Linda said with conviction. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever done!”

Extending his hand to the newlyweds Patrick smiled. “Congratulations,” he said warmly.

“Oh Patrick… have you got the thing?” Linda giggled with a hint of mischief as she turned to her husband.

“What are you up to Lin?” John Paul asked with suspicion.

“Nothing,” Linda replied with fake innocence. “Just got you a wedding present…”

“You already got us a present…”

“So I got you another one…”

Patrick pulled a package the size of a small hardback book from the inside pocket of his jacket and handed it to Craig.

The dark haired man’s eyebrows rose as he turned the neatly wrapped parcel over in his hands.

“What is it?” Craig asked as he started to pick at the tape sealing one edge.

“You’d better leave it till later,” Linda said with a grin as she rested her hand on top of Craig’s to prevent him from opening the parcel further. “When you’re alone!”

“Lin what is it?” John Paul asked with amusement.

“You’ll like it,” Linda said with a sparkle in her eyes, “I promise!”

“If we could have everybody together please,” a voice called, making the four friends turn as the photographer fought to gain some semblance of order from the wedding party.

“What d’you think it is?” Craig asked, slipping the parcel into his pocket as he and John Paul took their places at the front of their family and friends for the first of many photographs that would be taken that day.

“I’ve got no idea,” John Paul replied as he smiled towards the camera. “But I’m looking forward to finding out!”

---

John Paul sighed as he fell into one of the large armchairs in the hotel room, sinking deeply into its softness.

“What a day!” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before stopping to look at the golden band that now adorned his finger.

Twisting the ring around John Paul let his eyes wander lazily over the gentle engraving. “Love Always.” It was such a simple sentiment but it seemed to express so much, just as it had the day that Craig had given him that watch. That felt like a lifetime ago, they had been little more than children trying to understand the feelings of adults, they hadn’t stood a chance.

But fate, or god, or maybe just love, had decided they deserved another chance and this time they had been ready for it and they knew better than to ever let it get away again.

“Champagne?” Craig asked, popping the cork on the bottle and pouring two glasses without even waiting for a reply.

“Craig… we have done the right thing haven’t we?” John Paul asked, turning his head slightly to look at his new husband.

“Regrets already?” Craig teased as he kicked off his shoes and padded over to the armchair. Handing John Paul one of the champagne flutes Craig climbed onto his husband’s lap and sipped slowly at his own drink while taking in the incredible depths of John Paul’s eyes.

“Course not,” John Paul replied, his arm snaking around Craig’s waist to stroke softly at the man’s thigh. “It’s just… I don’t know… it’s been a mad few days I guess… it’s like we’ve been planning this for so long and suddenly it was here and now…”

“Now it’s all over you’re feeling the anti-climax…”

“Maybe…”

Draining his glass Craig placed it on the floor, his eyes encouraging John Paul to quickly consume his own drink until both empty glasses were lying side by side.

“I’m sure I can make you feel a different kind of climax…” Craig teased. Leaning forward he let his tongue flick over John Paul’s lips, lapping at the sweet taste of champagne for a moment and then searching out the heat of John Paul’s mouth.

John Paul groaned into the kiss, his hands burrowing inside Craig’s jacket before hitting against the hard object still secreted in the inside pocket.

Fishing out the present John Paul pulled back from the kiss.

“D’you think we should open it?” He asked with a grin.

“Well Lin DID say we should open it when we’re alone…”

“True…”

With a quick ripping of paper Linda’s wedding present to her friends was revealed. Craig laughed out loud, both at the gift and also at the look of stunned surprise on John Paul’s face.

“Oh no!” John Paul exclaimed. “She didn’t!”

John Paul’s eyes were wide as he stared at the object in his hand.

“Craig… you must have…” John Paul began.

“Well she asked…”

“But you didn’t have to…”

“She said it’d be worth it!”

Both men looked at the simple silver picture frame that was gripped tightly in John Paul’s hand. Neither of them noticed the softly scrolling design that decorated the edge of the frame or the way their names had been engraved at the bottom with the “L” of John Paul looping up to entwine with the “C” of Craig.

Neither of them could see anything put the picture that was secured behind the glass.

“So you what?” John Paul asked unblinkingly, “You emailed them to her?”

“Well… yeah,” Craig laughed, “She was right though…”

“How d’you mean…”

“Oh come on John Paul,” Craig said insistently as he took the picture frame from his husband’s hand and brought it closer to his face. “It’s bloody brilliant… we look so fucking hot!”

John Paul looked at the picture and couldn’t help but admit that he liked what he saw. Resting his head against Craig’s shoulder John Paul smiled.

“We DO look good,” he said with a grin, admiring the picture that captured a moment, which in reality, had never existed.

Immortalised on the glossy paper was an image of the two men. Each of them knew half of the picture intimately, had slept with it under their pillow for months and looked at it as they touched themselves. But they had never seen those pictures in they way there were now presented.

With a clever and careful use of a graphics programme John Paul and Craig were given the chance to see those images skilfully blended together, so that it appeared as if they had indeed been kneeling beside each other on the bed that day.

The two young men smiled out lustfully from the photograph, their naked bodies seemingly only inches apart as they held onto their fully engorged cocks, giving the impression that they would, at any moment, turn to each other to satisfy the very evident desires of their flesh.

“You know what’s even sexier than that?” Craig asked as he placed the picture on the table and slipped from John Paul’s lap.

“What?” John Paul asked with a grin that said he already knew the answer.

Reaching for John Paul’s hands Craig pulled his new husband to his feet before reaching his hands to the younger man’s perfect face. “You are,” Craig breathed as he moved to press his lips to the softness of John Paul’s mouth.

The men kissed gently, the champagne still sweet on their lips as their tongues began a slow seductive dance between them.

“You know what I want to do right now?” Craig breathed into John Paul’s hot mouth.

“Tell me…” John Paul replied somewhat breathlessly as Craig’s tongue tickled lightly at his lips.

“I want to take my new husband to bed and show him just how sexy he is and how much I love him…” Craig’s hands wandered sown John Paul’s sides and gripped his hips tightly as he spoke.

“You know I think I like that plan,” John Paul replied with a smile as he reached up and pushed Craig’s jacket from his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor behind him.

“I thought you would,” Craig grinned, pulling at John Paul’s tie and throwing it to the ground once it was undone.

“You know me too well…”

“Intimately!”

The two men moved slowly towards the bed, scattering items of clothing as they moved and stroking their hands over newly exposed flesh.

“I know just what this does to you,” Craig teased as he lowered his mouth to John Paul’s neck, sucking against it gently and then sinking his teeth in hard, an action that was accompanied by the plaintive moan of pleasure that rose up from deep within John Paul’s belly.

“And this…” Craig continued, moving his mouth over John Paul’s naked chest and swirling his tongue over the man’s nipples, making them become instantly hard as he sucked against them and rolled them between his lips.

“Craig!” John Paul gasped as every nerve of his body tingled at his lover’s gentle touch.

Reaching for Craig’s face John Paul pulled the man back up to him, his mouth hungry for the taste of his new husband as he kissed him passionately, falling ungraciously onto the king sized bed and pulling Craig down on top of him.

Craig froze for a moment, his face hovering inches above John Paul’s as he lay full length on top of the man he adored. Craig felt unable to breathe or even move as he looked into the fathomless depths of John Paul’s dazzling blue eyes. An uncontrollable rush of emotion assaulted Craig’s senses and tears sprang unbidden to his eyes, rolling slowly down his cheeks as he blinked.

“Craig?” John Paul whispered gently as he brushed the tears from his husband’s face.

“I can’t believe we really made it,” Craig said in a low voice that was heavy with emotion. “After everything… we actually got here…”

“Idiot!” John Paul teased affectionately, “Of course we made it… I never doubted it…”

“Never?”

“Well… maybe once or twice… but I always knew… right from that very first kiss… I knew I was never gonna be able to love anyone else this much…”

“I don’t deserve you…”

“Don’t be silly!”

“No I mean it I don’t… I…” Craig swallowed hard and he bit his lip. “The things I’ve done… I…”

“Craig!” John Paul said, lifting his head he pressed his mouth firmly to Craig’s. “We’ve both done stupid things but that’s all in the past now… today is the start of a new life… OUR new life and I…”

With a laugh John Paul wrapped his arms around Craig’s middle and spun them over on the bed until he was straddling the older man and looking down into Craig’s deep chocolate eyes with unreserved love. “I intend to start enjoying my honeymoon!”

“And how d’you plan on doing that?” Craig asked with a cheeky grin that sparkled in his eyes.

“Well first I’m gonna do this…” John Paul said as moved to Craig’s side and quickly unfastened the man’s trousers and eased them quickly over his hips before pushing them to the floor. Taking a deep breath John Paul drank in the sight of Craig’s perfect naked form, his firm body lying sprawled on the bed was the most arousing sight John Paul had ever known and he never tired of seeing it. His eyes roamed slowly up the length of Craig’s toned legs, his firm shapely calves and strong thighs softly dusted with hair, leading up to the nest of thicker hair out of which Craig’s long thick cock stood proud. Its deep purple head glistened with drops of precum and it seemed to throb in time with the beating of Craig’s racing heart.

“And then this…” John Paul continued, lowering his face to Craig’s cock and running his tongue slowly over its length from root to tip and back again.

“Oh god…” Craig whimpered appreciatively as he sank his fingers into John Paul’s course blonde hair.

John Paul’s tongue lapped warmly at Craig’s heavy balls, sucking them into his mouth one at a time and then letting them slip out again, only to repeat the action. Craig’s breathing grew heavier as the attentions of John Paul’s mouth intensified, his tongue travelling back over the length of Craig’s cock and probing at its sensitive tip to pull in the flavour of Craig’s excitement.

Craig’s hands reached for John Paul’s trousers, desperately trying to free the man from them.

Moving back for a second John Paul quickly removed the remainder of his clothing and then straddled Craig’s chest in a sixty-nine position, as he returned his attentions to Craig’s cock, which twitched in anticipation as the heat of John Paul’s breath approached it.

Craig moaned as John Paul’s mouth enveloped the head of his cock, his lips wrapping tightly around it as he sucked it deeper into him.

Craig reached out one hand to stroke along the length of John Paul’s firm cock before raising his head slightly to press his mouth to its tip and coating his lips in the rich droplets of precum that rested there. Licking his lips clean Craig stretched out both hands to grip John Paul’s buttocks and pull the man’s groin lower as he opened his mouth to take his delicious cock into its hot depths.

John Paul moaned around the thickness that filled his mouth as Craig quickly consumed his cock

The room echoed with the combined moans of pleasure from both men as they both bucked their hips, forcing their cocks deeper into the willing throats that readily accepted them.

Craig’s fingers dug deeply into the soft flesh of John Paul’s buttocks, kneading them together firmly and then pulling them apart as he trailed one fingertip between them, brushing lightly over the tight opening nestled there.

John Paul sucked harder against Craig’s length as the older man’s finger probed at his entrance, teasing it quickly into submission and pushing firmly inside.

John Paul gasped loudly at the sudden intrusion and pushed back against Craig’s hand to force him in deeper. Craig curled his finger inside the heat of John Paul’s flesh as he continued to suck his cock deeply into his throat, making John Paul’s body shudder with pleasure as the threat of climax began to build within him.

“Oh fuck Craig,” John Paul moaned loudly, “I need you inside me RIGHT NOW!”

Lifting himself upright John Paul turned around, placing his hands on either side of Craig’s shoulders he lowered his face to kiss his husband deeply, their tongues swirled together as they exchanged the taste of each other’s cocks that lingered deeply inside their mouths.

Taking hold of his saliva-coated cock Craig guided it between John Paul’s buttocks, teasing against his throbbing opening and pushing lightly against it without enough force to breach its tight ring of muscle.

Pushing himself away from Craig’s kiss John Paul lowered his body onto Craig’s waiting cock, throwing his head back, the first wave of pleasured pain washing over him as Craig’s thick hard cock sank deeply into his body.

“Fuck yes!” Craig growled, gripping John Paul’s hips to hold the man steady as he raised his body to meet John Paul’s descent.

The men’s eyes locked as their bodies began to move together, rising and falling in perfect harmony, the length of Craig’s cock sliding fully into John Paul’s tight passage and then easing slowly out before returning to fill him once more.

John Paul’s brow shone with perspiration as he rode against the cock inside him, rocking his body harder and faster minute upon minute, and snarling with abandoned pleasure as Craig’s cock hit the perfect spot inside him time and time again.

Craig’s cock throbbed heavily inside the hot tight passage of John Paul’s flesh, the need to come inside him growing more urgent with every thrust of his hips until he didn’t think he would be able to hold back much longer.

Gripping John Paul’s cock Craig stroked it firmly, his tight grip running up and down its length to deeper growls that rumbled in John Paul’s throat.

Tightening the muscles that gripped Craig’s cock John Paul urged Craig on, driving the older man faster and faster towards his release.

“Fuck me Craig,” John Paul implored, “Fuck me harder… god Craig I want to feel you come inside me…”

“Christ John Paul…” Craig moaned, bucking his hips hard and fast, unable to resist the pleasures of John Paul’s body and the insistence of his words.

Craig cried out as his climax erupted from him, the heat of his desire throbbing deeply into John Paul’s hungry body in wave after wave of pure physical perfection.

As his orgasm subsided Craig’s body relaxed back against the bed, his eyes wide as a bright smile shone from his face. His hand still gripped John Paul’s hard cock as the younger man raised his body once more.

Resting his hands against the wall John Paul pressed his cock against Craig’s lips, which quickly parted to allow it to be pushed deep into his throat.

Craig gagged as John Paul’s cock reached the back of his throat and John Paul pulled back slightly only for Craig to move forward and fill his throat once more.

John Paul’s fingers clawed at the wall as Craig sucked hard against his length, his hips bucking forward to push his cock into the heat of Craig’s mouth before pulling out slightly and then driving back inside.

Looking down John Paul watched as Craig’s lips wrapped firmly around his throbbing cock, his tongue tracing a frenzied dance over its length and he could resist Craig’s ministrations no longer.

“Oh god Craig… yes… fuck yes…”

Craig swallowed hard as the first wash of hot come hit the back of his throat and he continued to suck against John Paul’s cock, drinking down every last drop as John Paul shuddered and moaned above him.

Finally sated John Paul fell back onto the bed at Craig’s side, breathless and content.

“Happy wedding day,” Craig said with a smile and a soft kiss to John Paul’s lips.

“I love you,” John Paul replied, returning the kiss warmly.

---

“Don’t be late home.”

Craig smiled at the text message, his eyes instinctively flicking up to the clock on his new office wall. His own office. A recent promotion meant that he no longer had to share with colleagues, a change which was both a blessing and a curse. While Craig enjoyed the peace and privacy his new surroundings provided he would sometimes miss the company he had enjoyed while sharing with Steve and to a lesser degree Anthony.

It was already gone four-thirty and, although his workday officially ended at five, Craig was often found working until much later. Thankfully John Paul had never begrudged Craig’s long hours, appreciating as he did the need for his husband to progress well in the company. Just as Craig accepted that being a DJ meant John Paul would be needed to work most weekends.

But this Friday night was special. They had made plans and neither of them had any intentions of breaking them.

“I’ll be leaving at 5,” Craig texted back, “What you cooking?”

“Wait and see! Love you xx”

“Love you too. Happy anniversary.”

Craig’s thumb rubbed absent-mindedly against his gold wedding band as he hit send. It was hard to believe that they had already reached the six-month celebration of their marriage. Sometimes Craig found it hard to believe that he was married at all, that he had finally found the happiness that had eluded him for much of his life. Meeting John Paul had changed everything. Falling in love with John Paul had changed Craig.

“Craig… I need a word…”

Craig lifted his gaze from his mobile phone at the sound of his name being spoken in the doorway of his office.

“Sure what…” Craig’s words faltered as he saw the face that peered around the edge of the doorframe at him and the dark eyes that looked at him with uncertainty.

It had been easy to avoid her for the last seven month as she worked for a different department and on a different floor of the building. The one email she had sent after their encounter had been deleted, unread. Craig had no desire to be reminded of his mistake and he certainly had no wish to repeat it.

“Ciara,” Craig said quietly. “What d’you want?”

“I need… we… there’s…” Ciara’s eyes wandered around the room nervously and she seemed unable to look directly at Craig.

“Look unless this is work,” Craig snapped, “I don’t think we really have anything to…”

Craig stopped talking as Ciara walked fully into the room. For the briefest moment Craig hoped that she had simply gotten fat but as Ciara rested her hand on her swollen belly and finally looked at him Craig knew the truth.

“No…” he said quietly as he felt his world begin to spin out of control. “Tell me it’s not…”

“It’s yours,” Ciara confirmed as she stepped closer to his desk.

“You’re sure?”

“I don’t make a habit of sleeping around you know.”

“No… sorry… it’s just… I… shit!”

Ciara looked at Craig closely. He was just as handsome as she remember, or possibly even more so, it seemed that married life was agreeing with him and she felt a genuine regret that she was putting his happiness in jeopardy.

It was true that she had set her sights on Craig in the bar that night, maybe she had even wanted to steal him away from John Paul, but she had quickly realised that her goal was selfish and stupid and had been pleased to hear that their wedding had gone off without a hitch.

Craig’s wedding day was a date that Ciara would always remember. That was the day the doctor confirmed she was pregnant, a fact she had suspected but tried to ignore for the previous few weeks.

Six weeks after sleeping with Craig Dean and on the day he married another man Ciara found out she was going to be a mother.

Ciara had originally considered terminating the pregnancy and had gone as far as booking an appointment at the clinic. But at the last minute she had reconsidered, deciding that keeping the child was the only option she would ever really be comfortable with.

Two weeks after Craig returned from his honeymoon Ciara had emailed him asking if they could meet to talk. She had taken his silence as a “no” and decided to cut him out of the picture completely. He didn’t want her, she knew that, and she was just as certain that he wouldn’t want their child. Ciara was prepared to face a life as a single mother.

“I wasn’t gonna tell you,” Ciara said quietly as she closed the office door to gain them some privacy. “I mean you’d just got married and everything… I really don’t want to mess your life up Craig…”

“So why… why now?” Craig asked, his eyes fixed on the rounded mass of the young woman’s belly as if he expected the child to appear at any moment. “It’s been months since… since we… why tell me now?”

Ciara sighed. The look in Craig’s eyes tore at her heart. It was as if he could see his world crumbling around him and she was at the centre of it all, causing the destruction. But the priorities in Ciara’s life had changed recently and she could no longer worry about the effect her pregnancy would have on his life. Craig Dean was as responsible for this child as Ciara was, and as such he needed to take on that responsibility.

“I can’t do it on my own,” Ciara explained, “Financially I mean… I thought I could… I thought I’d be able to cope. But once I have to give up work… I just can’t manage and I … we… we need your support…”

“Money?” Craig said quietly. “That’s all… you just want money?” Scrabbling in his desk drawer Craig pulled out his chequebook. “How much?” He asked.

“I’m not asking for a hand out Craig,” Ciara snapped angrily. “You can’t buy me off with a few thousand euros…”

“I never suggested that I could,” Craig replied guiltily. For the briefest moment he had dared hope that the situation could be resolved by the flourish of a pen and he could pretend it had never happened.

“Look Craig,” Ciara said gently, resting her hand on his shoulder. “I know this isn’t easy for you… and I’m sorry, really I am… but this child, YOUR child… he’s a lifetime commitment… for both of us.”

“HE?”

“Yeah…”

“You know for sure?”

“Yes Craig… you’re gonna have a son.”

Craig allowed a brief smile to flicker across his lips at the thought of a son. A young Dean who could learn all of his father’s childhood scams, who he could play football with in the park, who John Paul could teach to DJ…

Craig smile died.

John Paul.

How was he supposed to tell John Paul?

---

Craig’s hand paused on the door handle to the flat.

He’d loved this apartment since the first moment John Paul had moved in. It had changed from being somewhere that Craig lived to being his home and now it was somewhere he was afraid to enter.

Inside, only feet beyond the front door, John Paul was happily preparing an anniversary meal oblivious to the fact that his husband was about to ruin everything.

Taking a deep breath Craig shakily unlocked the door and pushed it slowly open.

An assortment of aromas greeted him as he stepped inside the flat. A rich blend of herbs and spices, which hinted at one of John Paul’s delicious curries, and a sweet fruity undertone that teased Craig’s senses with the promise of apple crumble.

Craig could hear a soft whistling coming from the kitchen as he tiptoed quietly into the living room, not announcing his arrival in an attempt to put off the terrible moment of truth as long as he could.

Dropping his briefcase by the side of the armchair Craig collapsed into it. He pulled at his tie, which refused to come easily undone, making him pull it over his head angrily and throw it across the room in frustration.

Burying his face in his hands Craig sighed. The sound was desolate and lost and the feeling echoed deep inside his chest.

Looking up at the sound of footsteps Craig saw John Paul approaching. His deep blue eyes shone with unquestionable love, mixed with a hint of concern at his husbands apparent weariness.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” John Paul said as he leant over Craig and touched a gentle kiss to his lips. A kiss that Craig felt unable, or unworthy, to return and yet a kiss that he yearned for more than any other in his entire life. “Is everything OK, you look tired…”

“I’m sorry…” Craig said quietly as he cast his eyes to the floor.

“That’s OK,” John Paul replied kindly, falling to his knees at Craig’s side and taking the man’s hands in his own. “We don’t have to do the big anniversary night out if you’re tired… we can just leave it at a quiet meal together yeah?”

Craig felt tears begin to form in his eyes and he couldn’t bring himself to look at John Paul because he knew that the sight would break his heart.

“I’m so sorry John Paul… I really am…”

John Paul felt a fear grip his chest. Craig was trembling, his hands shaking violently in John Paul’s grip and his voice was heavy with unwept tears.

“Craig what is it?” John Paul asked nervously. Was Craig ill? Had somebody died? Had he lost his job? A hundred alternatives raced through John Paul’s mind, but never for a moment did he consider the true reason for his husband’s distress.

“I never meant…” Craig took a deep breath as he tightened his grip on John Paul’s hands, wondering if it might be the last time he got to hold them. “I really never meant to hurt you… I love you… I love you so much and if I could go back… if I could change things I would… you know I would…”

“Craig what’s happened? You’re scaring me now… please just tell me, whatever it is it can’t be as bad as the things I’m imagining…”

John Paul’s breath caught in his chest as Craig finally met his gaze. The older man’s deep chocolate eyes were filled with tears that tumbled over his soft cheeks as he blinked.

“I didn’t mean to…”

“Craig tell me…”

“I need you to forgive me… I need you to understand…”

“Just tell me…”

“I… I can’t… I…”

“Craig please….”

“I… I’m sorry… I…” Closing his eyes Craig took a deep breath and forced out the words in a pained whisper. “I slept with someone else…”

John Paul’s hands pulled back from Craig’s hold as if they were burned. He could feel the sharp burn of bile at the back of his throat as nausea rose up from his stomach.

“No,” he breathed, shaking his heads to try and make the words go away.

“John Paul please, I’m sorry… it didn’t mean anything… we’d had a fight, it didn’t mean anything, please tell me you understand…” Craig reached out to John Paul but the man moved further back, his soft blue eyes staring unfocussed at the ground.

“Tell me you didn’t…”

“I’m sorry…”

“Why? When? I thought… I thought we were happy…” Pulling himself onto the sofa John Paul turned his broken azure stare to Craig and the man whimpered at the pain he had placed there.

“We were,” Craig assured him, “We are… it was before… before we got married… I would never, never do it again, I swear to you…”

“Then why?” John Paul looked at the man he loved. It was still the Craig that he knew, that he loved, but something was different now. Or maybe everything was different.

“We’d been fighting,” Craig said sadly. “I went out… got drunk… it was… it was stupid… it was nothing… it was a mistake John Paul, that’s all… just one stupid mistake…”

John Paul frowned as he recalled the weeks leading up to their wedding. Things had gotten stressful for a while and they had fought more than usual, but that was normal, everyone had said so.

“That night you didn’t come home?” John Paul asked, suddenly remembering that one bad fight when Craig had stormed out, not returning home until the next morning.

Craig nodded. “I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly, knowing that it wasn’t enough, that it would never be enough and that he still had more to say, more pain to give John Paul.

“Why now?” John Paul asked shaking his head in confusion. “Why tell me now after all this time. Why tell me TODAY?”

“She’s pregnant.”

The words were hardly a whisper but the sound of them tore John Paul’s world apart. His hand hurt and he couldn’t understand why until he saw the small trickle of blood running from the corner of Craig’s mouth.

John Paul had no recollection of getting up from the sofa or returning to it, but the pain in his hand and the blood on Craig’s face told him that he had.

Craig didn’t move. He knew that he deserved it, he deserved so much more. The one thing in his life that he had never believed he deserved had been John Paul and he had finally proved that belief right.

John Paul looked down at his hand for some time. The silence in the room thick and impenetrable as he observed the flecks of blood on his knuckles, wondering if they belong to him or if it was Craig’s blood that decorated his pale skin.

“You know the one thing that always worried me,” John Paul said after a while. “The one thing that I was always scared of when we got back together?”

Craig couldn’t answer. He had no answers. He felt lost and afraid and the one person who had always been able to rescue him was suddenly so very far away.

“I was always scared that you’d change your mind… about me, about us… I was terrified you’d decide this wasn’t what you wanted, that I wasn’t what you wanted… and you’d go and find some woman to settle down with and leave me…”

“No…” Craig gasped.

“But I was right Craig,” John Paul said, large teardrops tumbling down his face as he spoke. “The first hint of trouble and you run off and bed some woman…”

“It was a mistake…”

“And the next time Craig? The next time we have a fight…”

“I’ll never do it again, I swear to you…”

“But how do I ever believe you? I’ll always wonder won’t I? I’ll always think that’s exactly what you’re gonna be doing…”

“God John Paul I won’t, I promise you… I’m disgusted with myself…”

“Well that makes two of us.”

Struggling to his feet John Paul headed into the kitchen. “The dinner will be burning…” he said under his breath.

Craig watched his husband leave the room but it felt as if the man was going so much further. And that he was never coming back.

In a daze John Paul turned off the gas rings that held pans of bubbling food and switched off the oven that had been gently cooking the desert. The food that had seemed so delicious as he prepared it now made John Paul want to vomit and he covered his mouth with his hand as wave after wave of nausea rolled over him.

Craig jumped to his feet at the sound of smashing crockery. Racing into the kitchen he watched helplessly as John Paul threw cups and plates at the floor before sinking to the ground amidst the broken shards, his shoulders shaking with heavy sobs.

“John Paul, I’m so sorry,” Craig said, his hands reaching for his husband and pulling him into a trembling embrace. “But we can get through this I know we can… I love you… more than anything or anyone… nothing matters to me more than you John Paul… nothing and no one… I won’t have anything to do with the boy I promise you… it’ll just be the two of us, like always… just us yeah?”

John Paul closed his eyes and hid for a moment in the warmth and comfort of Craig’s arms, wishing that he could stay in them forever and pretend that the rest of the world didn’t exist. But it did and it refused to allow him the sanctuary that he craved.

“No,” John Paul said, pushing Craig away and getting slowly to his feet.

“No?”

“You think you can have a child… a son… and then just ignore him?”

“I can… for you… for us…”

“And you won’t resent me for making you give up your child?”

“No…”

“And when you do?”

“I won’t…”

“But you will,” John Paul said dejectedly, “And even if you didn’t he would always be there, between us… what you did will always be there…”

“So what are you saying?”

“I don’t… I don’t know… I need to think… I need some time… I can’t…” John Paul looked at Craig’s beautiful face, his deep brown eyes and his soft full mouth. “I can’t bare to look at you… please Craig… Just leave me alone…”

“I love you,” Craig insisted.

“I know,” John Paul replied with a pained smile. “I love you to… but I..?” John Paul shrugged as he turned his back on his husband.

Craig watched as John Paul walked towards the bedroom. He wanted to run after the man, to hold him and convince him that everything could be alright again but he didn’t know if he could because he wasn’t sure that it would.

Craig stared blankly at the clock on the living room wall. He had no concept of the time despite his gaze being fixed on the clock’s hands, just as he had no idea how long he had been sitting there.

He felt numb, lost and alone.

The sound of a car horn outside touched at the periphery of his consciousness but it wasn’t until he heard the front door slam closed that the meaning of the sound hit him.

Leaping to his feet Craig rushed to the window just in time to see John Paul climbing into the back of a taxi with a large overnight bag in his hand.

“John Paul wait,” Craig shouted as he banged on the window, but the blonde man either didn’t hear him or chose to ignore him and the taxi sped away.

Grabbing his mobile from his trouser pocket Craig quickly called John Paul’s number.

He was greeted by the familiar music of John Paul’s mobile echoing from the bedroom. Walking towards the bed Craig saw John Paul’s phone lying in its centre. A sheet of paper was trapped beneath the telephone.

Craig almost didn’t want to read the note that John Paul had left for him but he knew that he had to, and he knew he wouldn’t like what it said.

John Paul had sat for an hour on their bed trying to find the words to express what he was feeling but in the end there was only one thing he could find to say.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

Craig sank to his knees beside the bed and, burying his face into the soft duvet, he wept.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 22:00:00 GMT

A plea for a moment of your time to help make a difference...

Post as copied from the lovely 1977andy

I've just copied this directly from Andy's LJ as I have to confess I couldnt bring myself to watch the vid - so instead I give you Andy's opinion and reacion to it (hope that's OK Andy my darling)...

To-day, I saw PETA’s footage of the primate experimentation carried out by The Oregon National Primate Research Centre (ONPRC); the ONPRC confines more than 4,000 monkeys, who are used in barbaric studies in the name of ‘science’. The facility received more than $33 million in taxpayer money in 2007, much of which is used for the funding of needless studies of illnesses, that have already been well researched using clinical data from humans (the only reliable form of medical investigation/research). Primates were psychologically tortured by cleaning inadequate cages, whilst they were still in there, by high pressure hoses, despite this being against American Law and guidelines. Monkeys were forced to pick food from waste trays beneath cages, and handled in vicious uncaring manners. They were left unattended post-sedation, when they run the risk of dehydration.

I was physically sick, and I don’t think that footage will ever leave me.

As much as it pains me, I do urge any of you to view it. And please, if you’re a USA citizen please sign the petition. Being in the UK I can’t. But this is YOUR tax money, being wasted on torture when it could do so much more. PLEASE visit PETA:

The ONPRC Article
http://www.stopanimaltests.com/f_onprc_monkey_abuse.asp

For a list of products both tested and not tested on animals.

http://www.peta.org/

In the UK we still have Huntington Life Sciences – one of the largest animal testing laboratories. Recently STAPLES have been exposed as a supplier, funding their ‘work’.

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:41:57 GMT

Bleh! I feel ill... I have that horrible sore scratchy throat thing going on that usually means I'm coming down with something and I feel all sicky - although that is probably more do to with the quantity of chocolate I've scoffed! Yes I confess I is a big pig!

I've been trying to write more "When..." for what feels like the last hundred years and have still only managed 400-odd words... It makes me sad that I seem to have lost my fic-writing mojo... ahhh back in the good old days I had new chapters ready almost every day and now I think I'm probably averaging one a month!!! I do wonder if I'm ever gonna get these current ones finished or if maybe I should just admit defeat and accept that they just weren't meant to be... let them slink quietly off into forgotten history!!!

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 22:47:31 GMT

OK so you wouldnt normally expect a song from The Rocky Horror Picture Show to suit our boys... but this one just does cause... well... Craig's going home!!!

On the day I went away... goodbye...
Was all I had to say... now I...
I want to come again and stay... Oh my my...
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I've seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I'm going home.

Everywhere it's been the same... feeling...
Like I'm outside in the rain... wheeling...
Free, to try and find a game... dealing...
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I'm going home.

I'm going home, I'm going home.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:53:41 GMT

*yawn*

I could sleep for a week!! I never seem to get enough rest when I have a night in Liverpool - but it's worth it... although if the Cavern gets much hotter they'll be able to serve cooked food in there!!

And I am SUCH a geek - while in Liverpool I bought a Nineth doctor "action figure" Ahh well - I wanted it - AND it was on sale... must have been fate!!!

*random* I wonder why the text on my internet is all weird now... in some things - like hotmail it's gone all tiny but other places it's fine... very weird!

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:44:58 GMT

I do so LOVE not being at work - especially when everyone else IS!!!

I'm off to Liverpool later for a night down the Cavern with the girls - feels like ages since we've been and it'll be a fab warm-up for Beatleweek next month...

I do wonder how much I'm gonna miss t'internet while I'm gone this year... last year wasnt too bad - and of course Beatleweek is so amazing and busy and everything that it doesnt give you time to think about much else... but this year I just know I'm gonna miss my gorgeous boys to talk with - thank god for texting!!

Incidentally my elbow hurts and I dont know why!! I keep getting shooting pains in it - maybe I just slept funny on it - hope it goes... I'm sure the beer later will help numb the pain ;)

God it's nearly midday and I still havent dried my hair or got dressed!!! Luxury!

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:44:52 GMT

Title: Vigil in a Wilderness of Mirrors Part Four(Part One) (Part Two) (Part Three)
Rating: NC17 - oh yes - the smut has arrived!!
Word Count: 5353
Summary: John Paul is certain that he will never be the one to win Craig's heart... but is he right?

John Paul’s knuckles were red and swollen. His bare chest glistened with sweat and his teeth ground together in a grimace. His eyes appeared glazed as he stared ahead of him, seeing nothing but the images that played over and over in his head on a continual loop designed to drive him insane.

As each blow connected with the supple leather of his punch bag John Paul’s muscles screamed out in pain, desperate for respite as he had been attacking the inanimate object for well over fourty minutes. With each punch John Paul’s hands suffered fresh waves of torment as the damaged skin was assaulted anew.

But the pain wasn’t enough. The physical discomfort of his body stubbornly refused to cancel out the agony of the gaping wound that had ripped through his heart. John Paul welcomed each hit of pain, taking the punishment that he deserved for thinking things could be different.

He blamed himself, he should have known that he didn’t deserve better, that he wouldn’t get better. He was destined to fail and he should have just accepted that fact.

What made him think that this time Craig would choose him? He never had been able to before. What made John Paul McQueen so arrogant to believe that someone like Craig Dean would willingly give up on the life he knew just to be with him? In a previous life John Paul had cruelly forced the issue, at least this time he could walk away before any real damage was done. This time he would leave Craig alone.

“Your phone’s switched off.”

John Paul’s fist hesitated in mid-air for a second, before landing a fierce blow that sent the punch bag reeling.

“John Paul… I said your phone’s switched off.”

“I heard you.” John Paul rained down a torrent of anger and frustration against the red leather bag as he spoke through gritted teeth.

“Is everything alright?” Craig stepped nervously into John Paul’s bedroom. There was something in the younger mans stance that intimidated him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I said I’d call… but your phone was off…”

“And?”

“John Paul what’s going on?” Craig moved forward slowly. John Paul’s shoulders were hunched and tense as he continued to batter at his punch bag and he flinched violently as Craig reached out to touch him.

“What do you want Craig?” John Paul asked bitterly, refusing to turn around, as the sight of those brown eyes would surely kill him, one way or another.

“I don’t understand I…”

“I saw you.” John Paul spat the words out in a hostile accusation.

“Saw me what?”

“You and Sarah… outside Il Gnosh… I saw you…”

“Oh… and?” Craig’s hand continued to rest on John Paul’s shoulder and he could feel the younger man’s trembling tension.

“You were all over each other… I can’t do this again…” With a sigh John Paul let his bruised hands fall to his sides.

“We weren’t all over each other,” Craig objected. “And what d’you mean again, what are you talking about?”

John Paul span around quickly, his action causing Craig to step back startled.

“Don’t lie to me,” John Paul barked, anger flashing in his brilliant blue eyes, “I saw you… you practically had your tongue down her throat…”

“She kissed ME,” Craig countered, an anger of his own beginning to rise within him. How dare John Paul accuse him like that?

“And you couldn’t refuse…”

“What did you want me to do? Push her away?”

“No, what I wanted you to do was what you said you were going to…”

“But I…”

“Let me guess… it wasn’t the right time, you’ll tell her tomorrow, she’s going through a lot with her family and you didn’t want to upset her…”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Craig snarled, his hands slamming against John Paul’s bare chest before he even realised that he’d raised them.

John Paul staggered back until he collided with the punch bag, swaying a little as it halted his progress.

“I can’t do this OK… I can’t be your bit on the side while you decide if you really want to dump your girlfriend or not…”

“I never asked you to…”

“No, but you expect it though… well not this time Craig… I won’t be some experiment as you decide if you fancy being gay or not…”

“Fuck you!” Craig growled, moving forward until he was only inches from the younger man, their heated pants mixing together between them as their chests heaved with anger and frustration. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Me? You’re the one who doesn’t know who he is…”

“And what’s that supposed to mean…”

“Just say it Craig… just admit you couldn’t do it… that you couldn’t choose.”

Craig’s hands grabbed at John Paul’s shoulders, his fingers gripping tightly onto the flesh that was still damp with sweat. The anger reflected back and forth between their eyes, mirrored into eternity with no beginning or end.

“I chose you,” Craig said between gritted teeth, his fingers digging so deeply into John Paul’s shoulders that the pressure was bound to leave marks, “I went and saw Sarah and I broke her heart… for you…” With a shove John Paul was once again pushed into the unsteady support of the punch bag, its cracked leather cover cool against his heated skin.

“What the hell did I do that for?” With another push Craig released his hold and turned his back on the man he had just given up everything for only to receive a slap in the face for his efforts.

“Craig I…” John Paul stood motionless. Craig had done exactly what he’d asked and still John Paul has managed to ruin it. “I thought… I…”

“What?” Anger smouldered in Craig’s deep brown eyes as he spun back around. “What did you think?”

“That you wouldn’t… that I wasn’t worth it… that I…”

“I chose you,” Craig repeated in a softer voice, the anger in his eyes fading but the smouldering look lingering on. “Because I love you… I want you…”

“Craig I…”

“Shut up…”

“What?”

“I said shut up…”

Craig’s mouth crashing hard against John Paul’s prevented any further discussion as the adrenalin that had been fuelled by anger was quickly put to a much better use.

John Paul’s hands clawed at Craig’s back, frustrated by the presence of the older man’s leather jacket he struggled to push it from Craig’s shoulders without breaking the contact with his mouth. Their kiss was hot and frantic as the need that they had both been fighting to suppress was finally given free reign over them.

Craig moaned softly as John Paul’s hands found their way under his shirt to caress the hot skin beneath, a deep lusty sound that radiated throughout John Paul’s groin making him ache with desire.

The two men stumbled back a few steps colliding once again with the punch bag as John Paul fumbled with the buttons of Craig’s shirt, finally exposing the taught muscular chest beneath. Dropping Craig’s shirt to the ground John Paul pulled him in close, their bare skin pressing together as the heavy drumming of their hearts beat out a steady rhythm between them.

Craig was breathless and flushed as he broke from the kiss.

“God… John Paul…” Craig looked at John Paul with wide-eyed amazement. How could one person make him feel so many things and with such intensity? The younger man’s bright blue eyes seemed to see deep into his very soul, but rather than feel vulnerable and exposed under such a gaze Craig felt safe and loved. He felt like he was home.

John Paul’s chest was still damp with sweat as Craig stroked his hands over it, marvelling at the feeling of another man’s body beneath his fingers. He kept waiting for the wrongness of the situation to hit him, for a feeling of discomfort or disgust, but it never came. All that he could feel was the love that sang out with every beat of John Paul’s heart and the growing desire that increased as his hands moved lower over John Paul’s belly until they came to rest against the waist band of his jeans.

The men’s eyes met, their look saying everything that their mouths didn’t need to or that their voices couldn’t find the words for. Craig’s hands slowly, nervously, slipped open John Paul’s belt before shaking fingers unfastened the button at the top of his jeans and eased down his zip.

John Paul’s hand rested gently on top of Craig’s, halting the man’s progress for a moment.

“We don’t have to,” he said gently. He could see the nervousness in Craig’s deep brown eyes and he could feel the fear trembling through his soft gentle hands.

“I want to,” Craig replied quietly, his gaze flickering down to where his hands were poised to touch another man more intimately than he ever thought he would, “It’s just…”

“Just?”

“What if I’m…” Craig’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment, “What if I’m no good or… or do it wrong or…” Craig’s words trailed off as the pink of his cheeks grew deeper.

“Craig,” John Paul said with a gentle laugh, “Do you love me?”

“What? Yes… I…”

“Then tell me…”

“I…” Craig raised his eyes back to John Paul’s deep azure stare and gasped as a rush of love seemed to consume him. “I do… I… I love you…”

John Paul smiled, his eyes sparkling brighter than ever before.

“Then it’ll be perfect,” he said simply. “We’ll be perfect… I love you Craig Dean… more than anything…”

John Paul released his hold of Craig’s hands to cup the man’s face lightly, kissing him with an intensity that made his head spin and his groin throb. A growl echoed deep in John Paul’s throat as Craig’s soft fingers slipped inside his boxers to curl lightly around his growing erection.

John Paul had forgotten how it felt to be touched like that, to be wanted like that. A sudden confusion washed through his mind. Hadn’t there only ever been Spike before? He had some vague recollections of other men touching him, entering him, using him, but that couldn’t be right, that had never happened. First there was Spike and now Craig, just the two of them, only ever the two of them. As quickly as the thoughts entered John Paul’s mind they were pushed away as Craig’s confidence grew and his grip around John Paul’s cock tightened.

“Oh god!” John Paul’s head fell to Craig’s shoulder as the man’s hand stroked up and down his length. Pushing his foreskin over the head of his cock and then gently easing it back.

“It this OK?” Craig whispered softly. In truth holding another man’s cock in his hand felt strange, alien even, but the quiet moans of pleasure that slipped from John Paul’s lips made him feel incredible, just knowing that he could make another person make those kind of sounds.

John Paul forced his head up from the support of Craig’s shoulder to look at the man he adored beyond reason. “Perfect,” he replied with a smile. “Absolutely perfect.”

Craig was hardly aware of John Paul’s hands at his trousers until he felt the waist band of his boxers eased downwards, causing his firm cock to slap back up against his belly and strong fingers wrapping tightly around it.

The men’s mouths crashed together again, tongues dancing together as they masturbated each other slowly and tantalisingly, neither man wanting to go any faster for fear that the pleasure would be over too soon.

“Craig,” John Paul panted, breathlessly pulling back from the kiss. “Get over to the bed…”

“What?”

John Paul’s eyes were dark with desire and the sight of them made Craig shiver with lust.

“Get on the bed,” John Paul instructed in a firm voice that offered no refusal. “And get those trousers off…”

Walking quickly to the bed Craig perched on the edge as he pushed his trousers and boxers from his legs, pulling of his shoes and socks at the same time, until he was he was sat completely naked with his arousal standing out proudly, its tip glistening with droplets of precum as John Paul walked slowly towards him.

“Lie back,” John Paul whispered as he stripped himself of his own clothing, standing at the edge of the bed as Craig shuffled his way into its centre.

John Paul swallowed heavily. He had never seen anything more beautiful or more desirable in his entire life than the figure of Craig Dean lying naked on his bed. He felt mesmerised by the sight before him as he drank in every inch of the man’s toned, taught body, burning it into his memory for fear that he might never get the chance again.

“Are you just gonna stand there looking at me?” Craig asked with a laugh that was part amusement and part embarrassment. Nobody had ever looked at him like that before, with such pure love and total desire and he was afraid that they might never do again.

“You’re beautiful,” John Paul breathed as he climbed onto the bed and, gently easing Craig’s legs apart, knelt between them. “Really beautiful.”

“John Paul!” Craig objected as a fresh wash of pink flooded his cheeks. Nobody had ever called him beautiful before, but then nobody had ever made him feel beautiful before. He’d always been the geek, the swot, Jake’s brother, Frankie’s son, the chancer, the joker… for the first time he felt like Craig. For the first time he felt whole.

“Beautiful,” John Paul insisted as walked his hands up Craig’s sides, feathering the man’s body with kisses until their mouths were once again in line.

Craig groaned softly as the full weight of John Paul’s body pressed down on him, the firmness of the man’s cock rubbing against his own as John Paul once again claimed his mouth.

John Paul ran his tongue softly over Craig’s lips, tasting their sweetness before plundering the depths of his hot mouth, devouring him with a hunger that seemed unquenchable, a hunger that grew more desperate the more he feasted.

Craig whimpered as John Paul’s lips and tongue trailed down his neck, teeth nipping at his soft flesh making him cry out in pleasured pain before another moan rose in his throat as John Paul’s mouth sucked against his skin.

Craig closed his eyes, his fingers curling into the duvet as John Paul attempted to consume every inch of him. His hot tongue running over Craig’s chest, teeth nipping at the hardened nipples before sucking gently against them. John Paul’s mouth moved lower, his tongue darting into Craig’s belly button as it passed before arriving as his intended destination.

Casting a glance back towards the top of the bed John Paul smiled at the sight of his lover. Craig’s eyes were still closed and his mouth hung slightly open as his breaths came in deep heavy pants. Never taking his eyes from Craig’s face John Paul lowered his mouth to run his tongue along the length of the older man’s cock. Bathing it in his saliva from base to tip in one firm sweeping motion.

Craig gasped loudly, his fingers curling tighter into the duvet at the incredible sensation that vibrated throughout the length of his body. John Paul blew a teasing stream of warm air over the head of Craig’s cock, lowing his eyes to watch as the precum poured temptingly from its tip, inviting him to taste, to enjoy and to devour.

With a single movement Craig’s cock was enveloped in the wet heat of John Paul’s mouth, making him cry out with surprised pleasure, his eyes springing open as he raised himself up slightly to watch with awe as John Paul seemed to swallow him whole.

John Paul sucked gently against the thickness that filled his mouth to perfection, the salty sweet juices tricking onto his tongue as he took Craig’s cock deeper into his throat, revelling in the sounds of abandoned pleasure that tumbled from Craig’s lips.

“Oh god John Paul that’s…” Words failed Craig as he fell back against the mattress and gave himself completely to the attentions of John Paul’s mouth.

It wasn’t that Craig had never been given a blowjob before, but it had always seemed something to be performed with reluctance and simply to “keep him happy”. Whereas John Paul lapped along his length with relish, his mouth bobbing up and down on Craig’s cock as if enjoying the most delectable delicacy ever offered to him.

John Paul breathed deeply, the scent of Craig’s musk overwhelming his senses until he was aware of nothing but the taste, touch and smell of the other man. Until he wanted to know of nothing other than how much pleasure he could give the man he loved.

“Oh fuck John Paul I think I’m gonna…” Craig’s words growled deep in his throat as the heavy weight of his balls seemed to throb and contract, threatening to explode and release their lusty load at any second.

With some reluctance John Paul pulled back, allowing the length of his lover’s cock slip from his lips and slap wetly back against Craig’s belly. Craig let out a groan of disappointment as he looked down at John Paul, his dark eyes questioning the man’s apparent change of heart.

John Paul smiled. A deeply seductive look that made Craig’s toes curl and his cock throb anew. John Paul’s eyes were dark, the bright blue almost entirely eclipsed by the desire that glistened in them.

“I want you Craig,” John Paul said quietly. “I want you so bad… I want to feel you inside me… deep inside me… if… if you think… if that’s what you want…” A touch of uncertainty echoed through John Paul’s words as Craig swallowed deeply at the suggestion.

“I don’t know,” Craig admitted nervously. “What if I… I’m not sure I… I want to, but I’m not sure if I…”

John Paul smiled again as he made his way slowly back up the bed to press his hot mouth against Craig’s soft lips.

“I’ll show you,” he whispered into Craig’s ear. “I want to feel you make love to me…”

Craig heart was racing wildly as John Paul reached over to his bedside cabinet and pulled open a drawer, extracting a small bottle he raised himself to straddle Craig’s thighs before flipping the cap from the bottle and pouring a slow trickle of the cool oily liquid over the head of Craig’s cock.

Craig gasped as the liquid dribbled down him, moaning gently as John Paul’s fingers massaged it into his length until it was completely coated.

Never taking his eyes from Craig’s John Paul poured at little more oil onto his fingers before reaching behind him and pressing it between his buttocks. His tight puckered opening twitched with anticipation at the pressure of his finger, which slid inside him as he increased the pressure. Craig watched, silent and breathless, as John Paul pushed his finger deeper into himself, spreading the oily liquid further until he couldn’t wait another second.

“I love you Craig,” John Paul said as he lifted himself to his knees and shuffled forward to align the head of Craig’s cock to his oily entrance.

“John Paul I love…” Craig’s words were lost in a deep moan as John Paul lowered himself down, his tight opening resisting for a second before allowing the fullness of Craig’s cock to penetrate deep inside him.

John Paul held his breath as his body stretched to accommodate Craig’s thick hard cock, the initial discomfort quickly passing as the pleasure of having such a cock, of having Craig’s cock, inside his body made him moan loudly.

Craig gripped onto John Paul’s thighs as the man’s hot tight passage devoured him, consuming him completely until his cock was encased inside the most perfect housing he had ever known. Their mouths crashed together in a hot frantic kiss, only to be separated as they gasped for air.

“Oh fuck John Paul…” Craig gasped as the younger man began to rise and fall against him, slowly at first but gradually increasing pace until both men were flushed and glistening with sweat.

John Paul gripped onto his own cock as he continued to ride the thickness inside him, crying out each time the head of Craig’s cock touched against his prostate, and running his hand faster and faster over his length as he increased the speed with which he rose and fell against Craig.

“John Paul I’m not gonna be able to…”

“Me neither…”

“Oh my god…”

“Fuck you feel so good…”

“Don’t stop… shit don’t stop… I’m gonna…”

“Oh god Craig…”

With a cry of his lover’s name John Paul came hard. His lust spattering against Craig’s chest in a torrent of hot desire as his body contracted around Craig’s throbbing cock.

“John Paul… yes… fuck…” Craig’s fingers dug deeply into John Paul’s thighs as he bucked his hips violently, driving his cock deep inside the younger man as it pulsed wave after wave of pleasure into John Paul’s perfect body.

The room fell quiet, save for the sounds of heavy breathing, as John Paul slowly lifted himself from Craig’s quickly deflating cock and fell onto the bed beside him.

“Christ!” John Paul exclaimed after taking a moment to catch his breath.

“Was I OK?” Craig asked, turning his flushed face to the gentle blue-eyed man at his side.

John Paul smiled as he kissed Craig’s soft tender lips. “Absolutely perfect.”

---

John Paul felt a strange and unrivalled contentment. His body was resting comfortably beneath his duvet, wrapping him in its gentle warmth as he slowly awoke from a slumber that he didn’t recall taking.

He could tell through his closed eyelids that the room was growing darker and he wondered how long he had slept.

And then another sensation pushed its way to the front of John Paul’s mind. The weight of a head resting against his chest and the warmth of another body curled around his.

John Paul’s eyes snapped open as he looked down on the sleeping form of the man lying in his arms.

Craig Dean. Naked. In John Paul’s bed.

John Paul gasped softly as he relived the feelings of making love to Craig for the first time. How his body, heart and soul joined together in a way that he never knew they could.

Craig mumbled softly into the warmth of John Paul’s chest as he turned his face towards the blonde man, his deep brown eyes still sleepy but filled with contentment.

“Hi…” Craig whispered in a languorous voice as he looked up at the younger man who had turned his world upside down, making it far better than it ever had been.

“Hi,” John Paul breathed back. He couldn’t quite believe that he was lying with the man he adored in his arms and an unexpected panic gripped at him, making fear wash through him in a sudden torrent that gave him the urge to run.

“So is this…” John Paul paused as a series of words and images flashed through his mind, thing that hadn’t happened, couldn’t have happened and yet felt so very real that he couldn’t deny the way they wrapped tightly around his heart. “Is this where you tell me it was all a mistake,” John Paul continued, “and call me a faggot before you run off?”

“What? No…” Craig replied, his brow furrowing in confusion, “Why would you… when have I ever… I would never say that…”

“I’m sorry I just…” John Paul shrugged. With every passing day the memories of the life he had once lived retreated further and further from him until only the barest hints remained, taunting him with moments from a life he no longer recalled. “So was it… a mistake I mean?”

Craig raised himself up slightly, resting his head against his hand and looked down into the blue pools of John Paul’s eyes, as deep and endless as the ocean but far more breathtaking.

“No,” Craig replied with certainty, “No it wasn’t… I mean before I…” Craig’s cheeks flushed slightly and he averted his gaze.

“What?”

“Doesn’t matter…”

“No go on… please…”

“I thought it’d feel… wrong, you know? Like, I don’t know, weird or something…”

“And did it?” John Paul asked as he traced a finger over Craig’s arm.

“No, it was like…” The pink of Craig’s cheeks deepened and he laughed self consciously, “It was right, kinda… oh I don’t know, this is silly…” Craig turned his embarrassed gaze to the hand that he rested against John Paul’s chest. The soft tanned colour of his fingers contrasting sharply against the pale tone of John Paul’s skin as he stroked it gently.

“Tell me,” John Paul coaxed kindly.

Licking his lips self consciously Craig lifted his eyes back to John Paul’s face and took a moment to bathe in the love that glowed from the younger mans gaze before he spoke again. His words still embarrassed but also certain and confident.

“Before you,” Craig explained, “You know, with Sarah or Darlene… the sex was… well it was good but it was… is was just sex, I never felt…” Craig hesitated as he searched for the word.

“Connected?” John Paul suggested.

“Yeah,” Craig nodded, that was it exactly, with John Paul he felt connected in a way he had never know or even been aware of. “I felt like I was…” Once again the blush in Craig’s cheeks deepened and he had to look away. “Like I was making love,” Craig finished in a quiet whisper.

John Paul smiled. Every atom of his body felt like it had exploded with sunlight, chasing away all of the dark corners and leaving him standing strong and safe in it’s warmth.

“I’m glad,” John Paul replied, touching his hand to Craig’s flushed cheek and turning the man’s face back to him. “Cause that’s how I felt too…”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…”

Craig’s brown eyes sparkled as he stroked the palm of his hand over John Paul’s chest, feeling the man’s nipple harden to his touch. “Fancy feeling it again?”

John Paul laughed as Craig moved his face closer, the heat of the man’s body scorching into John Paul’s chest and making him shudder with the pleasure of it’s burn.

The men’s mouths met with tenderness, their lips pressing together gently and slowly parting as their tongues sought out the taste of each other.

Craig whimpered softly as John Paul’s hands wrapped around his back, pulling him in closer until his body was pressed tightly against John Paul’s as the intensity of their kiss deepened.

“John Paul can I borrow your mp…”

The men’s heads snapped round at the sound of Michaela’s voice and saw the young woman standing, open mouthed, as she observed the sight before her.

Her older brother, apparently naked, although thankfully the duvet was still covering enough to save her from complete shock, was lying in bed with his friend and the way that Craig was sprawled on top of John Paul there was no mistaking what she has just walked in on.

“MUM!” Michaela’s voice reverberated around the house as she continued to stare unblinking at the men who frantically tried to untangle themselves from each other while staying under the cover of the duvet.

“Michaela shhh,” John Paul whispered.

“MUM, quick!” Michaela shouted even louder. There was no way she was about to let this opportunity pass.

“Michaela please,” John Paul pleaded, the last thing he wanted was for Craig to be outed like this, there was no knowing what it could do, it could ruin things even before they really had a chance to properly begin.

Reaching over the edge of the bed Craig scrabbled for his boxers and struggled to pull them on before swinging his legs out of the bed to continued dressing. His face was impassive and he didn’t say a word.

John Paul mirrored Craig’s actions as the sound of footsteps could be heard on the stairs.

“Michaela,” Myra said in exasperation as she approached, “That voice of yours could wake the dead… now what is it?”

“Them two,” Michaela said, pointing to the two men who were still only half dressed, “I caught them…”

“Caught them what?” Myra asked as she looked at her son and his friend, wondering for a moment why they were both looking so flustered and why they were topless, until the reality of the situation began to worm its way into her mind. “John Paul?” Myra asked quietly.

“Mum I…” John Paul scrambled for the words that refused to come.

“It’s not…” Craig began. The words made John Paul flinch as he prepared to hear ‘not what it looks like’, or some other similar denial come from Craig’s mouth. “It’s not like we were doing anything wrong,” Craig said turning to look at John Paul with a warm smile.

“John Paul?” Myra asked again as her son pulled a t-shirt on over his head and walked slowly to stand beside his friend who had now managed to find all of his clothing and was fully dressed. The men’s hands seemed to gravitate towards each other and their fingers laced together in a subconscious act of mutual support.

“We’re…” John Paul said and then turned his eyes back to Craig as if asking if it was alright to continue.

“We’re together,” Craig finished for him, his fingers curling tightly around John Paul’s as a strange sense of calm washed over him. For a moment, seeing Michaela standing there and realising that everyone was about to find out about him, Craig had been terrified and a thousand excuses and lies had rolled through his mind but, when he finally opened his mouth to speak, he realised that he wanted, or maybe needed, to tell people the truth. He had been hiding how he felt about the amazing man beside him for too long and he couldn’t do that any longer.

“Together?” Myra asked in breathless astonishment. “But aren’t you seeing Sarah?”

“We broke up…”

“Because of..?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh!”

“Is that IT?” Michaela asked in disappointment as the fireworks she had anticipated failed to materialise and she stomped from the room in annoyance.

“I’m sorry mum,” John Paul said, “I would have told you but… but we only just… we’ve only just…”

“Together?” Myra repeated, shaking her head as if trying to shake her thoughts together so that they would make some sense.

Myra looked into her son’s face. For weeks now there had been something strange about him, something distant, as if he knew things that no one else did and as if he wasn’t the same boy she had once loved. But now that seemed gone and all she could see shining from the depths of his blue eyes was the kind of happiness she had always dreamed of for her children. Taking a moment to look at Craig she could see a similar look in his gentle brown eyes and Myra found herself smiling.

“Does Frankie know?” Myra asked Craig kindly. Craig replied with a shake of his head, his bottom lip disappearing between his teeth as he chewed against it nervously.

“I suppose I should go and see her, before…” Craig didn’t finish the sentence but they all knew what he was thinking, before Michaela had a chance to shoot her mouth off.

“D’you want me to come with you?” John Paul asked.

“Nah I… I think I should do this on my own,” Craig said as he let go of John Paul’s hand and moved towards the door. “I’ll call you later yeah?”

“Yeah, and Craig I…” John Paul hesitated, suddenly feeling self conscious about expressing his feelings with his mother in the room.

Pausing in the doorway Craig smiled as he looked back at his new lover. “Me too,” he replied, taking another look at the brightness of John Paul’s eyes before finally stepping out of sight.

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:54:48 GMT

I think weird things sometimes - after careful consideration I've decided this! And now I cant help but wonder if everyone has these strange thoughts and then maybe it's not so weird after all...

This one always strikes me as odd... standing in the middle of town on a busy Saturday afternoon, at the kerb just watching the traffic rush past and sometimes - maybe more than sometimes - I find myself wondering what it would be like just to step out. Now I dont have any suicidal tendancies and I have no desire to actually take that step - but I still find myself wondering about it!! That IS a bit strange isnt it???

I found myself thinking yesterday on the way home from work how much of a persons childhood ahapes them into who they become... rather deep musings for a car journey that's less than 10 minutes I thought!!! But I figure how can they not? Those first formative years of your life have to impact on the rest of it surely? And then I came upon a strange realisation about myself.

I have never in my life had a real argument - you know the whole shouting and screaming and throwing things... not that I want one you understand, but I just know that when something in my life comes along to make me feel like that I dont take that direction - I'm sorry to say I'm more of a brooder and bottler... I'll just internalise rather than vocalise... I guess I'm more of a pacifier than a fighter!

And I can only assume that the reason behind that comes from my childhood... I cant help but think that if you spend those delicate years listening and watching as the two people who are the biggest influences in your life at that time constantly tear into each other - verbally and physically - then you're gonna try your best to avoid such a thing in your own life...

Or maybe I just talk lots of rubbish and think too much about things that dont really matter!!!

Oh and the series finale of Doctor Who was pretty good - didnt make me cry though - was I supposed to??

Nothing's gonna beat "Parting of the Ways" for a finale to me !!!!

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:09:44 GMT

This has SO become my favourite song right now...

SO MUCH thanks to lolabobs for guiding me to it!

Oh why is the weekend nearly over... it's been SUCH a lovely one - and to think that during the day on Friday I was feeling really naff and down... what a difference talking to my two gorgeous boys can make! How anyone can try saying that what I feel for them isnt real is beyond me ♥

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 13:14:09 GMT

Title: The Day the World Changed
Rating: PG with Angsty
Word Count: 2832
Summary: One action can change the world

The ground feels cold, damp, it’s chilling me but I feel no compulsion to move. There’s no warmth to be found even if I left this spot now, and nowhere I would want to go even if I did leave. So I sit here and wait.

You see the thing is I never meant any of it, not for a second. It all just got so… so crazy and before I knew what had happened…

It’s his eyes that I remember the most. When it’s dark and quiet and I’m alone I can recall the way they looked that day. How bright and how blue. Those eyes had looked at me with so many different emotions. With love, disappointment, fear, pain… but it’s the look that they held that day that I see whenever I close my own eyes. That’s the look I won’t ever be able to forget.

But I’m getting ahead of myself aren’t I?

I need to tell you how I got to be sat here today, what happened that day that changed my life forever. I need to take you back to the beginning. Well not the very beginning, that could take all day and I don’t think we have that long do we? So I’ll just go back to that day… the day that the world changed, forever.

---

I’d been gone almost a year, resisting all of my families requests to come home for a visit. I knew that I couldn’t return too soon. I had to take my time and I had to be sure. And I was. I knew what I wanted, who I wanted and this time I wasn’t afraid of how I felt.

In all my life no one had ever, has ever, made me feel the way John Paul McQueen did. He could make the world stop turning just by looking at me. He made me feel a depth of love that I had never even realised existed and, for a while, those feelings terrified me.

I was afraid of what my feelings would mean when everyone found out. I didn’t want to be labelled, branded or victimised. I just didn’t want to be different. It took me a while to realise that none of that mattered when you find someone who loves you.

It felt strange standing at the McQueen’s front door again after so long. It was as if nothing had changed. But it had… I had, and I was here to show John Paul just how much. I’d spent nearly a year without him and I didn’t want to add another day to that.

I have to admit I was disappointed when the door opened and those beautiful blue eyes didn’t greet me. In my dreams I had imagined seeing him standing there, reaching for him, kissing him, telling him how much I loved him… but reality never quite lives up to the dream does it?

“Well, well, Craig Dean… who would have thought!” Michaela’s voice held a tone of amusement and something more but I couldn’t quite tell what.

“Alright Michaela?” I replied, hoping that I sounded calmer than I felt. “Is he in?”

“He?” Michaela grinned as she asked the question and I had to bite back a sarcastic comment, the last thing I needed was to get wound up.

“John Paul,” I said with what I hoped was a pleasant smile, “Is he in?”

“Oh haven’t you heard?” Michaela said as she leant against the doorframe, a sly smile wandering lazily over her lips. “Our John Paul doesn’t live here anymore…”

“Oh…” My family had never volunteered any information about John Paul’s life, and I’d never asked but I was surprised to hear that he’d left home. It seemed that the clan McQueen had finally gotten too much for him.

“Oh yeah,” Michaela was continuing, her smile growing wider and a glimmer of mischief sparkling in her eyes, or possibly something a little more sinister. “He moved out a couple of weeks ago…” She paused for a moment, as if adding dramatic effect before delivering the killer blow. “To live with his boyfriend!”

I felt as if the strength had been drained from my body. My eyes were fixed on Michaela’s mouth, somehow willing the words back in so that I didn’t have to hear them, so that I didn’t have to feel them rip into my heart and leave me gasping for air.

“It was all quite a scandal,” Michaela said, either oblivious to my pain or in some way enjoying it. “What with the fact that he’d been carrying on all this time in secret with a priest…”

The world seemed to stop spinning… suddenly and without warning. I felt as if the air had been stolen from my lungs and all I could hear was Michaela’s words assaulting me in a random pattern…

“priest… secret… scandal… boyfriend…”

“I… err… I…” I didn’t know what to say or what to think, I’d come back for John Paul but he had already replaced me. With another secret, a worse one… a dirtier one.

“I know,” Michaela said with a laugh, “You’d have thought one secret relationship would have been enough for anyone… not our John Paul though… so… you still gonna go and visit him? I could give you the address…”

---

I should have gone then and there. I should have taken myself back to the airport and got on the next flight back to Dublin. How different things could have been if I’d done that. But of course I didn’t… since when had doing the right thing ever been one of my talents?

Instead I headed to the address that Michaela had told me without any real idea of what I was going to do when I got there.

---

“Craig!”

The shock in John Paul’s voice and the stunned look in his eyes gave me some satisfaction as I stood in the doorway of the flat he now shared with his new lover. Some, but not much.

In the walk over my head had been filled with all of the things I wanted to say and the answers I needed to hear. He had to be able to make me understand or else it was all for nothing, what we had shared was for nothing and I couldn’t bear to believe such a thing.

But by the time I arrived at the flat I had managed to work myself up into a frenzy and I couldn’t think of anything he could say that would placate me.

How could he do it?

How could he do the one thing that had torn us apart?

How could he love someone else?

“Your priest home?” I spat bitterly, pushing past John Paul without waiting for an invitation inside.

“Oh… you heard…” At least there was a hint of shame in John Paul’s voice, that was something I supposed.

“Oh yeah,” I replied, “Your Michaela took great pleasure in telling me about your new boyfriend. Classy McQueen, real classy…”

“It’s not how it…”

“Don’t… whatever you were gonna say just don’t…”

I looked around the flat slowly, surprised at how minimal it all was, it was almost like a show home as if nobody real lived there at all. But then my eyes came to rest on the kitchen’s worktop. A selection of food and utensils were laid out across its surface.

“Don’t let me stop you,” I snarled, nodding my head towards the preparations of a meal. “I’m sure he must need a good meal after a hard day being a hypocrite…”

“That’s not… he’s not… Craig… why are you here?” John Paul asked gently. His voice was so soft that it almost felt like a touch or an embrace and for a moment I allowed myself to enjoy it until the reality of the situation claimed me back.

“I came back… for you…” I snapped, spinning round to face him. “I thought what we had… I thought it was worth fighting for but you… you just moved on didn’t you?”

“What did you expect me to do? Sit around forever mourning you?”

“Why not? It’s what I did… every night wishing I’d done things differently, wishing I’d been braver or stronger… wishing I’d been enough for you… if only I’d known all I had to do was slip on a dog collar!”

“That’s not fair!”

I could feel my blood boiling. How DARE he tell me what was fair? I had been prepared to give up my life for him and it hadn’t been enough. I wanted to hit him, to kiss him, to hurt him and love him. My emotions surged through me like an out of control locomotion and I could feel my body shaking with them.

Turning away from John Paul I rested my hands against the cool surface of the kitchen counter, my knuckles whitening as I gripped onto its edge. I felt as if holding on was the only thing keeping me upright.

“You left me at the airport,” I said quietly through gritted teeth. “You said you couldn’t be anyone’s secret anymore… that you deserved MORE… is THIS the more John Paul… is screwing a priest the more you were looking for?”

“It’s not like that…” John Paul’s voice rose slightly and I could tell he was getting angry; I wanted him to be angry.

“What was it? You couldn’t resist… did he look so fucking hot in his robes that you couldn’t keep your hands off him? Or was it all just a lie eh? Is that it… what we had was all just one stupid lie and you couldn’t wait to jump into bed with the next unavailable bloke that came along.” I didn’t know if I was being irrational but every word that came from my lips stung me and tore at my insides, making me want to hurt him like his leaving me that day had hurt me.

“I never meant for all of this with Keiron, I tried not to…” John Paul sighed in frustration. “What we had Craig… that was… that was never a lie. I just couldn’t face knowing that we would always be hiding away…”

“But you could face it with him?”

“No... I… it wasn’t…”

“Do you love him more than you loved me… is that it? You didn’t mind being HIS dirty little secret but you couldn’t give ME time to feel ready to kiss you in public?”

“There was more to it than that, you know there was… we weren’t…”

“Do you love him?” My hands were trembling as I asked the question, afraid to know the answer and afraid not to. I often wondered how different things might have been if I’d never asked, but I did and there was no taking the question back.

“Yes.” John Paul’s voice was so low it was hardly a whisper but to me it felt as if the word had been shouted into my ear, mocking me and mocking everything that I had felt. Every tear I’d cried was for nothing. Every night that I’d lain awake praying for a second chance had been for nothing. Coming back was for nothing. Loving him… nothing…

“But I…” John Paul touched my shoulder as he continued to speak and that contact broke me. The rage inside me burned so hotly that I had to let him see what he’d done, how he’d betrayed what we had, betrayed me.

I span around quickly, my fist connecting with his stomach before he had time to react, pouring all of my hurt and anger into that one blow that felled him instantly to his knees.

John Paul’s eyes were wide and stunned as he looked up at me, his hands gripping his stomach where I’d hit him.

That was when I saw the blood.

That was when I realised what I’d done.

Looking at my hand I saw the kitchen knife still gripped in my fist, its long silver blade was crimson with John Paul’s blood. I couldn’t remember picking it up, I think I’d been touching things at random on the kitchen counter as I had stood there. I didn’t know if I meant to use the knife on him, I still don’t know.

Uncurling my fingers I saw the blade fall to the floor, its decent seemed to happen in slow motion and the ring of metal as it hit the ground echoed around the room, vibrating inside my head making me think it would never stop.

Dropping to my knees I reached for John Paul, there was such fear in his eyes as he tried to hold back the blood.

“I’m so sorry,” I stammered, my hands touching him, stroking his face, his arms, pressing against the wound but I think we both knew it was no good. “I didn’t mean to…”

I didn’t mean to! How many times have I said that since that day? I’ve lost count. It became my mantra, the stick that I beat myself with, and the words that haunted me much as the look in his eyes.

“John Paul… it’s gonna be OK,” I lied, “You’ll be fine… I promise… everything will be fine…”

“Craig?” John Paul’s voice was hoarse, barely a whisper. “I still…” I saw the words in his eyes even before he said them. Those beautiful azure blue globes that had once captured my soul looked at me for the last time with love and more than love, with forgiveness. “I still love y…”

And then he was gone.

The brightness of his eyes faded like the dying embers of a beautiful fire, flickering one last time and then no more.

Sitting with my back against the kitchen cupboards I pulled John Paul into my arms and held him tightly against my body.

My hands were slick with his blood and I could feel more of it soaking into my shirt as I held him close to me.

I don’t know how long I sat there with the body of the man I loved in my arms. Holding him as his flesh slowly cooled, knowing that it would never be warm again, that those eyes would never sparkle again and that it was all my fault.

I knew who the dark haired man was as soon as he entered the flat. The look of pain on his face as he saw me holding John Paul was instant, replaced by horror a second later as he saw the knife and the blood.

It was as if we connected in that moment, somehow sharing the loss of the man we both loved, our grief binding us together in a way that nothing else ever could.

Eventually somebody pulled John Paul from my arms. A paramedic, a policeman, I’m not sure, I didn’t see. All I could see was him. That beautiful boy who I loved more than my own life being taken away from me and knowing that I would never see him again.

---

That was almost 10 years ago now.

Ten years of my life spent without John Paul McQueen.

Ten years of my life spent in prison for killing the man I loved.

Ten years of regret and longing and wishing every day that I could go back and change things.

Ten years of seeing that love and forgiveness in those beautiful blue eyes and knowing that I deserved neither.

I was paroled yesterday but there was no one at the prison gates to meet me. I had long since forced my family from my life partly through shame and partly because I knew it would make things easier for them in the end.

I’d been stood at John Paul’s grave for a while, the words on his headstone emblazoned across my vision “Taken too soon.” Taken by me. Craig Dean… killer. The grave is immaculate and I imagine that Myra visits this spot often, tending the ground that holds her son. Mourning the loss that should never have happened.

The sun is setting now and the graveyard is quiet and deserted as I sit down and lean against John Paul’s headstone.

The ground feels cold, damp, it’s chilling me but I feel no compulsion to move. There’s no warmth to be found even if I left this spot now, and nowhere I would want to go even if I did leave. So I sit here and wait.

Closing my eyes I let the half drunk bottle of whisky fall from my hand and I hear it settle amongst the empty tablets boxes that I have dropped there.

You see when I said that we didn’t have time to take this story right back to the beginning I really meant that I didn’t have time.

I’ve waited ten years to come to this spot, to be with him again and maybe if I’m lucky I’ll be allowed to find him.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:37:19 GMT

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test...

Advanced

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

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